Friday, 17 November 2017

Such a beautiful start.

I know I'm a crashing bore about how we (all) can change our lives every day simply by making the choice to do so (it's true). Time again, I surprise myself with my (generous) heart and (forgiving) nature by putting it out there what I'd like to change.. and it does (often). 

It is the most beautiful morning. I woke early (as I do) and have done some (boring) online banking and taken myself outside to look up at the sky. I now have freezing cold toes. The sky last night was unbelievable as I walked the dogs around the village. So much so that I almost went back (but didn't) for my phone. Too often people share their amazement at what they see but can you truly see it if it's through the lens (and filter) of a phone snapshot? I'm not sure. My point being that we need to see it first. For real. 

"Aren't we lucky to live here?" said a stranger as she walked past me with my dogs last night during the red skies of the sunset..

"Aren't we lucky to live" I replied because that is exactly how I feel.

She hadn't noticed the sunset.

"Thank you" she added, before she walked on.

I say that every single day of my life. 

Wednesday, 15 November 2017

*SIGH*

Have some bloody self-respect. 

I was told this a few months ago when I was bending myself in too many directions trying to please (it seemed) everyone on the planet. I wasn't, obviously. Pleasing everyone I mean. In fact, apart from not pleasing everyone, I was making myself deeply unhappy by trying so hard. So I started to respect myself, not take myself for granted and only do what kept me and my family happy. It started to make sense.

It isn't my problem that certain individuals shirk responsibility of what can only be claimed as theirs. It is absolutely and completely nothing to do with me. I wasn't even aware that one thought I had purposely done a detour to upset them. Really? I haven't got (fucking) time to drive anywhere extra so why, in God's name would they presume I added a few extra miles on the clock to push their buttons. I have no strength to push buttons either and I certainly haven't the inclination. I rarely have the head space to have inclinations and then I was accused of being cruel. I can't remember what I've been doing for the last 10 months.. I think I went to court at some stage to get legal responsibility for my boy to ensure that he was safe, secure and loved as a member of my immediate family. That wasn't cruel. I don't think that I have ever been cruel in my entire life. I'm simply not a cruel human being. I have a massive heart. I am grateful for that. I have a huge heart full of love and it might be broken but it's real. It's also honest. It's also ridiculously lacking in self-belief which was why I was told to "have some bloody self- respect". I wasn't (am still not) entirely sure why people thought so highly of me for taking on the boy. It wasn't a decision that I had to think carefully about, I knew I was going to do it. I just stepped forward and I don't think anyone would do anything differently. Just the way it was. 

But my life has changed. I have no time for nonsense or detours even of the emotional kind. I learnt very suddenly last year that (in an instant) life can stop. No one knows when this might happen. I live my life now from day to day feeling blessed with the family I have been given (for now) and I hope (and pray) that I have (many) years to enjoy (and go crazy) with them. Why would anyone want anything different? 

It's a beautiful Autumnal evening and I have to go and collect my eldest from the train station following her day at school. The boy is (still) asleep and my (now) middle child is lying on her bed eating Nutella on toast that I carried up the stairs to her. I might *SIGH* often but I wouldn't swap today for any other day. I simply love my life. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4SQGJmgnEI8

Sunday, 5 November 2017

A Squash and a Squeeze.

It was always my favourite story book to read to the girls when they were tiny. I love the concept of a wrinkly old woman complaining that her home is too small and then realising that it isn't so small after all.

"Where is he going to go?" I get asked when people discover that the boy sleeps in my bedroom in his cot.

"I haven't got that far" I reply, because for now, he fits. Just. He's three tomorrow and most parents would be buying a small bed and moving the wee one from a cot to his new nest but I can't. Not yet.

I had two extra at the weekend. "Where did they all sleep?" I got asked with a smile. I squashed them in and covered them in blankets, with soft pillows that I rescued from my sisters home.

It isn't about the size of the home, it's about the size of the heart. Fact.

Saturday, 4 November 2017

Just like Mummy.

Mummy used to say that.. Actually, Mummy and you were kind of the same thing, spoke my 13 year old nephew as I whooped with a teary- eyed, beaming smile as my daughter scored her first goal for her team in the footie match this morning. "Get in" I added, with a clenched fist and a proud heart as she showed skills and he smiled, with a shake of his head.

Really? Is it that obvious? I asked him, feeling sensitive to him and myself.

Yeah, he smiled, so I hugged him from behind kissing his blond curls and giving him a squeeze from her because I can. 

Really tough for me but it makes me know that I am doing the right thing. Confirmation again. But oh, what a waste in so many ways. I can feel her love for her children and my heart aches that they haven't got her anymore. I can never make that better and it's agony. But I can try to improve it. I love them too. So much more than I can explain because I am so proud of them for being so open and honest. But me? I'm really hurting. I am in physical pain, I am broken, I am in pieces trying to hold it together because I have no choice and would never quit succeeding. 

"You're on the guest list" I was told this evening. I have a rare night night out with an intimate concert in a church. A singer that my sister introduced me to a few years back and I have a babysitter booked. It will be amazing. I will cry. I will hopefully get my hand held but I wish I could hold hers. My little sister who is no longer going to call me or tell me that she needs me. Her boy is three in a few days. I hope she loves what I'm doing for him, for her, for me.

I just wish I wasn't so alone.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bjnfd_4DLl0

Wednesday, 1 November 2017

In your face.

I have come off Facebook as a personal challenge. Properly come off. Not just, "Oh I don't really look at it much anymore" type of bollocks, I have deleted the app. Actually, I think I need to actually sign out.. Hang on. Right, now I am officially deleted. Let's see how much more time I have to waste doing other things!

I wasn't going to say anything about this but I have to.. The nursery that my little boy attends called social services on Monday. I won't go into detail because that might open a bigger can of worms but all I will say is, that I will protect him (exactly the same way I would with my girls) and ensure that he is safe. No one gets to decide if he needs extra help, attention or understanding except me. Unsurprisingly, I have cut his hours in half and I am pretty certain that I will remove him before Christmas. Social services? What on earth has this world come to? People have gone mad. Amusingly, social services are yet to call me and no one has been to our home since he started living with us. Now tell me why not?

Talking of mad, when did it become okay to poke your nose into someone's life and make a judgement and then openly offer an opinion? I blame social media. But it is actually become the way of the world. I was in the park with the children at half term and I watched in fascination when a mother asked her daughter "not to swing" until she had taken a photograph. She then asked her to change position on the swing so that the background was "better". Worse, she then went on to take a selfie with her daughter. FUCK OFF. Like I said, the world is full of fools. Yesterday, I watched a woman arrive (at the same time as me) at Daylesford. Before she had even walked through the door, she had taken a photo of the pumpkin display at the entrance and then stood in the entrance blocking the way, posting it, no doubt, on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter. WHAT? Are we all obsessed with how life looks rather than how we live and feel? 

Like I said, I am off social media for a month. What a load of bollocks it has all become. 

Friday, 27 October 2017

By mistake.

I don't do things wrongly, intentionally. I can't imagine that anyone in their right mind, does. I guess that's the point. By mistake is exactly that, it's a mistake. An error of judgement. The key is to make it right. Once I have realised that a mistake has been made, I would naturally try and fix it. Put it right. Ultimately, apologise. Have good manners.

It all comes down to being able to accept that I'm not perfect. I am very happy being imperfect and I happily apologise when I make mistakes. If someone has upset me, realised they have upset me and then doesn't apologise, my conclusion is that it was intentional. 

I don't do 'slotted in' either. Not anymore. I don't do 'poked at' or 'got at' either. I have absolutely no interest. I don't do complicated and I haven't done since Mum died. Why am I writing this? Because someone stupidly thought it was okay to involve me in their family day out this half term as a result of their first choice being unavailable. Sound silly? It might be but I am better than that. More importantly, so are my children. I want and I expect the initial invitation or I don't want it at all. Don't include us as an after thought. Don't ask us unless you actually want to ask us. 

I accept your apology although you are still yet to make it. Rude. Intentional mistake making. Way too complicated. 

Sunday, 15 October 2017

Another shift.

I'm just going to get myself a cup of coffee because it is the smallest of small pleasures in my life that keep me going. Truly, I am a very simple person but it seems that I live an incredibly complicated life. Everything has changed yet I am still the same. I have to keep myself balanced. I must remember to stay still.

How do you do it? ~ I am asked so often. 

I just do. That is the simple and truthful answer. 

And then occasionally, I ask myself ~ How do I do it? 

I worry that I am doing it wrong. That I am making mistakes. But I love them. I think loving them unconditionally even when they are driving me nuts is all that matters. 

A woman that I had never met before asked me on Friday ~ Can I hug you?

Yes. It was the first time I have been held for a very long time. A stranger gave me strength. 

I met up with an old friend yesterday. He hugged me too. For longer than the stranger did the day before. I nearly fell apart. I am really tired. Physically and emotionally exhausted. Each day goes by so quickly, filled with tasks, chores, errands, jobs, delivering and collecting, tidying, arranging and putting to bed. Constantly, continuously juggling too many balls and only dropping one occasionally. 

Take some time out for yourself ~ Impossible.

Why not go away for a night? ~ How?

Ask for help? ~ I do but everyone is busy being busy. As am I.

Accept the situation and make the most of it ~ is what I am trying to do. 

Hug me ~ please. 

Stop asking questions ~ I have no idea of the answers, I never have known.

It's Sunday. It's my favourite day of the week. It used to be quiet and slow. It used to be gentle and steady. It is no longer quiet or slow. It is filled with an almost 3 year old boy who needs loud and fast. So I need to accept the changes and continue to be me. 

How do I do it? ~ I just do. 

Such a beautiful start.

I know I'm a crashing bore about how we (all) can change our lives every day  simply  by making the choice to do so (it's true). Tim...