Saturday, 25 March 2017

Happy Mothers Day..

And it will be. For too many reasons to list. It will be a beautiful day filled with complete love (and a few irritations I'm sure) but for the main part of it, I will celebrate (internally and quietly) that I am a mother. I will remember how I got here (even more quietly) and respect my mother for giving me my life. 

Many comments have been made to me over the years that I have taken incredibly badly (way too sensitive I am told, yawn) but it is the other comments that have enabled me to stand taller, appreciate that I am allowed to feel happy and given me an inner strength to keep going forwards. I have absolutely no intention (ever) of allowing specks (or buckets) of doubt seep into my certainty and make me question the choice I have made. Absolute and completely right. 

The birds are singing to start this earlier than early Spring morning. I have a cup of coffee and three children in bed inside. The house is clean (enough) for me to leave it today and the dogs were walked for hours yesterday and bathed so all is well. I am going to my favourite shop (with three in tow) to buy some scent and a pair of jeans. Wish me luck..

If I could change the circumstances of how I got here, to this point today, I would in a instant but I can't. Truthfully, I still cannot believe that my sister isn't here. She's with Mum and I guess that's the next best place she could be on Mothering Sunday. 

Sunday, 12 March 2017

Just for a second, I sit.

I have left the dishwasher open and half-emptied. I haven't yet fed the cats. I haven't made my bed. I haven't even turned on the radio to hear the early morning calm from Clare Balding on Radio 2. I will do, shortly. I haven't changed a nappy. I haven't cooked scrambled egg. 

I have, however, made a cup of coffee and lit a few candles. I have decided that even if it's only a few minutes, I will pause here and allow myself a slower than normal start to the day. 

I was meant to be in Bath running 13.1 miles. Geographically, I could still get there before the klaxon sounds but it isn't possible. I have no help with the children and even with so many wonderful and generous offers, looking after 3 children for a fair few hours is my job, no one else's. I will run it next year. Anyway, it is pouring with rain so that can only be a good thing.

Sunday. My favourite day of the week. My good friend tells me that I'm crazy and on my own loving this day. More so, loving this evening. I enjoy Sunday nights more than any other and if I'm going to be outed as a complete freak, I may as well admit right now that Monday morning is my favourite part of the week. Truthfully. What's not to like? It's the start of another week. That's a positive thing right?

My best friend from school has posted something on social media that is bloody brilliant. Of course it is. It is written by Stephen Hawkins. 

"Remember to look up at the starts and not down at your feet. Never give up work. Work gives you meaning and purpose and life is empty without it. If you are lucky enough to find love, remember it is there and don't throw it away."

Wise words from a brilliant brain. A brilliant post from a wonderful woman. The ones that live honestly and openly are the ones that experience and tell the true story. It is always about truth. I have never had a problem with the truth but I do have a problem with people who think they are entitled to lie. For whatever reason. 

My time to sit has been interrupted so I cannot continue. I will sit again today. I am determined..

I didn't sit again!

24 hours have passed and I find myself thinking, 'Have I got time?' The answer is almost certainly 'No' and yes, I understand that I should 'make time' but with my new adjustments, there isn't the possibility of such an obvious solution. I have had to change everything, almost. I squeeze everything, like everyone else into each day. Selfishly, I try and find a slot for a run but it hasn't been straight-forward. My choice yesterday was to lie on the sofa with the papers or run a quick 5 miles. I chose the latter. Mental health versus physical. I have to tread carefully. With others as well as myself. I'm vulnerable right now and I need support. But people have moved on. Of course they have. 

I get asked, "Are you coping?" 

I can't sit still.

I'm having real trouble putting my leg up and doing nothing. I have such a long to do list and I can't do it.  "Ask for help!...