Wednesday, 5 April 2017


Funny isn't it, how often people admit to not liking change. I love a good shake up. Something to get my teeth into, a challenge, verging on a struggle.. maybe that's a step too far, but in general, I think it's healthy to have an alternative idea, plan, a project on the horizon. I did not expect for a single second to ever inherit a son. I am still in shock that my sister isn't alive. Can I write 'dead' yet? I don't like it but that's the truth. My sister is dead. Fuck, the sentence is ugly. It makes me stop and take a breath. At least I can?

Her son, my boy, is quite the most delicious species of male human being I have ever met. I'm not a huge fan (sorry but it's true) and I haven't had the greatest experiences (bad choices maybe) with those of the opposite sex. I think (in general) they are stupid and selfish and so self- satisfying that it really bores me but OH MY GOD, I am completely in love. He is way more handsome than any other 2 year old that I have ever met and he might be a little 'delayed with his speech' but my god, he can drop kick a ball. He is sociable and funny and so, so loving. And he isn't biologically mine but he is completely and absolutely a part of my family. He is the boy I never had. He is the one that calls me "Mumma" and with out-stretched arms says "Up" for me to scoop him up and hold him close. I adore him with every breath in my body. Exactly the same way as I do my girls. Sometimes more so and is that a terrible thing to admit? How can I love a child so much without having given birth to him? But I do. Completely. Without any effort and without thought. Fuck, I really am the luckiest woman alive. 

And then the reality of the change hits me. I clear out her home, her knicker drawer, her shoes, the kitchen bin.. A word of advice to anyone out there, chuck out what you don't need but most importantly, those things that 'might be useful' almost certainly won't be so don't hoard them.

The bulbs you plant will still appear as flowers in the spring. Your children will have manners and respect their elders and remember to do their teeth at night. The bins will get emptied and someone will open the curtains. The changes that life sometimes throws at us are manageable even when we think life is out of control and too much. Friends will appear from nowhere and they won't be the ones you are expecting to knock on your door. It's not an insult, it's because the ones you expect to know better, don't and aren't capable of dealing with the change in your life. It scares them. Death is terrifying. It is so final that until it actually smacks you in the chest, you cannot imagine the power it holds. Forever. And ever. And breathe if you can and are lucky enough. Amen. Be thankful for the ones that hold your hand. Hug the ones that show you love and accept the loss as a gift otherwise it will destroy you. 

Love you. Always will. 

As Always X

This time 5 years ago I wasn't aware that my mother had died. I cannot believe that the years have passed so quickly, it seems like only...