Wednesday, 5 July 2017

Higher love.

I'm back in the room. Thank God. I had a shitty few days. Not really shitty days but a shitty mood that in turn made my days shitty. Isn't it stupid how we let a bad mood destroy a perfectly lovely day? Childish really not to appreciate life as it is and be grateful that we are here after all. We don't need to be here but we are, so better to smile and do the best we can. There's already far too much moaning and misery without going along in a strop because .. what? I didn't get what I wanted? I may as well have stamped my feet in a tantrum. Although I couldn't. I'm embarrassed that I allowed the circumstances to monopolise my life for over 24 hours. I am hurt (yes I know I've said that already) but it's a constant thing at the moment. I can't shake it. I want to make it better. I want to tell my sister that it's okay because it is. It will be okay. I want to hold her hand as she lies in the hospital, unconscious taking her last breaths. I want to hold her hand as she flies home unaware that her life is over. I want to tell her that I will look after her children as best I can for the rest of my life. Unconditionally. Her boy who is now my boy. I love him with a deeper love than I thought possible. He is and always will be hers but he is mine and therefore so is she.

Shitty mood passed, I am waiting to see what my mobility will be for the next few months. I am stuck. I am stationary. I have friends who have taken my children to school and I have friends who have taken me to the supermarket but it hurts that I need help. And I do need help. We'll see what they say. It was a surprise that it was broken, maybe I'll surprise them by being mended already. Fingers crossed.

I'm having my windows cleaned tomorrow. Jobs being ticked off a list that I haven't had a chance to even consider. For months I have put my head down and charged ahead looking after my sisters boy, my girls and my daily business. Have I looked after myself? No I haven't. I have the chance to stop now and pay attention to what is important. I need to listen to my soul. At least when the windows are squeaky clean I will be able to see out towards a future. Because that's what I have ahead of me.

I am always on the go. I rarely stop. I am no different to many but I thrive on dead lines, pressure and time keeping.

"Just because you're not headed to a final destination doesn't mean you should assume that you have lost your drive. The stage between journeys can become a wonderful period of relaxation that prepares you for the path that soon will be revealed to you" Madisyn Taylor.

I talk to her. She tells me things and sometimes, I laugh because I hear myself saying something like, "Oh Shut up, Obviously I know that". Her boy was playing with a toy tractor in the dogs water bowl and making a bloody mess this morning. I said, "Why would you do that? It's the dogs bowl!" and she said "He's 2 and a half". But I'm here and she isn't. I wish it was different but I am so loving having him in my family. He fits perfectly. Literally like he's been here forever. Nothing has ever been this easy. He joined us when my heart was broken but has helped me accept that my broken heart is okay. It doesn't need to mend. It's okay to feel pain and it's okay to allow the pain let love in. The possibility of maybe, just maybe allowing myself to be happy. I might even consider sharing my time with another adult. Only maybe. I had absolutely and completely written that off and I'm not saying that I will because I still see a man holding a glass of wine in France as I sit in my nightie watching the sunrise. Of that, I am certain. I think I am almost 60 years old then but I'm very happy about that.

"You're very lucky that you still feel connected to her" I was told this morning. I am unbelievably lucky that I know, without doubt, that she is guiding me and sometimes, pushing me into situations that create a stir, a smile and a shake of my head. Her ex fell arse over tit in the fathers race in front of the whole school.. That was her. No question. My broken knee cap? Could she be that powerful? Probably not but she can allow me to sit still and be quiet. Hear her, hear myself and allow time to heal me and adjust to this massive change.  I am doing for her what she wished she could have done. Better, I hope. Not meaning to insult or be smart. I'm not implying that I am better but I am saying that I can do this. I've got it.

"Daboo Mummy" my favourite words ever. Fact.

As Always X

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